Once upon a time in a land far away, I was a writer.  I have the English and Composition papers to prove it.  Then I stopped. 

Years passed.  In those years, stories were swimming in my head.  Some did the backstroke.  Others paddled around for a while before they drowned. 

One day I decided to start writing again.  Only I found that I had lost the ability to do so.  It was gone.  So, I had to start from scratch and teach myself to write again.  Thus was born Aluminum Siding.  Aluminum Siding was the gymnasium where I took my writing skills for a workout. 

While the characters may in fact resemble people who exist in the world as we know it, this column is purely fiction, and I should not be confronted on the street with the question "Did this really happen?"  (Although if the story is about a bad date, the answer is "Probably yes.")

I stopped writing new Aluminum Siding entries in Feburary 2002.  All the stories are saved here. 

The Beginning
November 2000
  • My friend David is a slumlord.
  • A lesbian motorcycle mechanic named China who thinks fuck is a noun, a verb, an adjective and an adverb.
  • “You know, I think Disney owns this part of San Francisco,”
  • China is in love with Mia.  China and Mia live with Marcia, Darcy, Megan and...
  • I almost asked if she meant fucking all night long, or that the night was fucking long, but I wasn’t sure this was the time.
January 2001
  • I am a whore.
  • I secretly hoped he was calling to arrange a “side thing”, a little “tryst”, to come over and fuck like rabbits.
  • China just grunts.
  • Feburary 2001
  • I think the only thing worse than a Republican is a celebratory Republican.
  • March 2001
  • I lie for a living.
  • Republicans are the smartest people in the world.
  • Without death life would have no meaning.
  • August 2001
    • Love is like a sweepstakes mailer. 
    • Fuck positive thinking.
    • Do you ever think something is going to be fun, an adventure, and then just as you start it, realize that you were terribly, horribly wrong?
    December 2001
    • It was beautiful.  It was stunning.  I insisted we leave immediately.  I knew we would have to leave eventually, we couldn’t stay here with this beauty for ever.
    The last and possibly the worst entry ever.
    February 2002
    • It was a miserable job, working the graveyard shift at the 7-11.
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    Other:  The Truth about Aluminum Siding
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