Click for larger imageLafayette proved difficult to leave.  This is not to say we didn't want to leave.  We simply could not find the exit.  We circled the small Indiana town for forty five minutes before finding a road leading outward.

Our route on Monday ran north across Indiana and east across Ohio.  The scenery alternated between farms on the left side of the road to farms on the right side of the road.  Moving northward, Baptist churches give way to Methodists and religious signs change to those against gun control.  Hand painted billboards in cornfields cry:  "Gun Control Increases Violent Crime EVERY TIME!"

Click for larger imageWe arrive in Cleveland and check in at the Hilton.  Across the street from our room is a Methadone Clinic and down the street a parking lot is topped by religious statuary.  Jesus is positioned directly over the entry and seems to beckon drivers to Our Savior of the Parking Lot.  For six dollars a day, your car will be protected by Mary and seven other Aryan-looking saints. 

Walking to dinner, we pass an ancient cemetery with headstones dating to 1801.  The night is dark and fireflies fill the cemetery like hundreds of sparks floating around the headstones.  I haven't seen fireflies since I was a small child and we watch the show for a considerable period of time.

Click for larger imageRestaurants in downtown Cleveland follow a theme:  The Thirsty Parrot, The Winking Lizard and the Big Blue Fish.  We choose the Winking Lizard for its gay-appropriate name.  Inside we find ten televisions above the bar tuned to ten different sports channels, salads made entirely of iceberg lettuce, and several customers with fresh mullets.

A Jeep pulls up to a stoplight while we are waiting for a walk signal after dinner.  The light changes and the driver pulls away, drives two blocks, makes a violent U-turn and comes screaming back toward us.  He pulls up next to us and says:  "Hey, where ya all from?"  A cloud of fruity cologne surrounds us and we know he isn't straight.  We have a short conversation in which Mr. Jeep punctuates each sentence at least twice with "fucking ay".  Neither Erik or I want a ride in an open-top Jeep with a questionable local and he eventually drives away.

Click for larger imageThe sunlight floods our room along with the sounds of addicts arriving at the Methadone clinic.  We debate the merits of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, the Cleveland Style Polka Hall of Fame (we are uncertain if "Cleveland Style" refers to the polka or the hall), and the Cedar Point amusement park.  Cedar Point wins and we head to the metropolis of Sandusky, Ohio.

We slather ourselves with suntan lotion and make our way through aisles of buses and vans emblazoned with logos from religious groups:  "Methodist Youth for Christ!"  "The Fire!  Chapel Youth, Toledo Ohio!"  Admission to Cedar Point is $43.50 per person.  I am tossed off the roller coasters because I am too tall for the restraints.  (I can assure you this was never a problem in San Francisco!)  Erik is permitted to hurtle through the air as I wander the park and watch youth wearing shirts covered in Bible verses.

Erik overhears the following comment from a teenager:  "I saw a Gay Pride parade, so I picked up rocks and started throwing them at them."

Click for larger imageAlthough Cedar Point has yet to offer the Bulldozer and a Brick Wall Ride, we decide we've had enough of the amusement park.  I contemplate asking for a refund as I've only been able to ride a single attraction.  Rather, I decide to savor the moment and write a tasty letter when I arrive in Maine...

Perhaps it is time to open Sister Betty's Big Gay Emporium somewhere in the midwest.  Billboards along major freeways will declare:  100 Miles to Sister Betty's Big Gay Emporium!  50 Miles to Sister Betty's Big Gay Emporium!  Sister Betty's Big Gay Emporium THIS EXIT!

Outside, Sister Betty's Big Gay Emporium will offer multiple gas pumps, tractor trailer, RV and minivan parking.  Inside, an assortment of rainbow and movie-themed items will beckon to weary travelers.  Lurking beneath the facade of clean bathrooms is a sinister purpose:  the recruitment of heterosexuals.

Click for larger imageIf homosexuality is a "lifestyle choice" then it is time to start recruiting.  Consider the benefits of being gay:  more disposable income, better neighborhoods, improved fashion, Sunday's free of both church and nauseating sports events, no pressure from family and friends to produce offspring, and never being asked to go the store to pick up female hygiene products.  Military recruiters cannot offer these benefits and they manage to convince hordes of children to become targets for Iraqi snipers.  Could we do any worse?  Besides, the midwest could use some queers to conduct a makeover.  Farms are lovely, but those silos could really use snappy new color schemes. 

Tomorrow we head to Buffalo, New York and Niagara Falls.
 

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Gays Hops n' Schnapps
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Seagulls at Cedar Point, Ohio
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All you can eat perch
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Our Savior of the Parking Lot
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Grave of Joc-O-Sot
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Erie Street Cemetery
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Cleveland, Ohio
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Cleveland, Ohio
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Mural, Cleveland, Ohio
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Cleveland Skate Park
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Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame
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Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland
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Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland
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Cleveland, Ohio
Road Trip 2004 : Day 11 & 12
Cleveland, Ohio

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