 Road
Trip Rule 12: The entertainment value of any attraction is inversely
proportional to the pre-attraction hype.
Niagara Falls should be easy to find. If you drive too far north
or east, you find yourself either in Canada or one of the Great Lakes.
However, the eastern United States suffers from Disassociative Road Sign
Disorder. Road are either not marked with any signs or they are marked
with so many signs as to be incomprehensible. Such is the case with
Niagara Falls. Witness Exhibit
A: An intersection near Niagara Falls covered with twenty two
road signs in less than twenty feet. When in doubt, follow the minivans.
People with children always seem to know where ice cream can be found.
Where there is ice cream, there is an admission booth.
 I
cannot explain the attraction of waterfalls. If simply watching water
fall gets our attention, then we'd all stay in the shower for hours longer
than we do. Perhaps we spend so much time in the unconscious mindset
of invincibility, witnessing something so large reminds of us of our proper
place in the universe. Maybe we are only interested because we think
we should be.
Unlike Mount
Rushmore - an place that survives entirely on faulty pre-attraction
hype - the Niagara Falls are impressive. The mist of the falls rises
above the trees and the sound is audible long before you arrive at the
precipice. The water drops nearly two hundred feet to the river below.
Gulls swim in the churning water looking for fish flung from the waters
above.
 The
Americans have thoughtfully constructed a bridge to Canada dubbed the Rainbow
Bridge. Given the constraints of Homeland Security, it no longer
is possible to commit suicide by jumping from this bridge. A diving
platform was constructed closer to the falls and for $11.50, you can
jump directly onto the rocks rather than be swept away by the currents
under the bridge.
If viewing Niagara Falls from the canyon top is not sufficient, the
same $11.50 buys you a trip aboard the Maid
of the Mist. I fork over my money, take a short elevator ride
to the river below, don a Hefty-bag emblazoned with a Maid of the Mist
logo and am off to see the falls up close. The falls are beautiful,
but I'm most amused by my fellow passengers who resemble condoms with legs
as their blue ponchos fill with wind.
 I
have carefully packed my
purple and glitter coated barrel in the back of the Element.
It takes some work to sneak the wooden contraption past the guards, tourists
and border patrol. Niagara Falls consists of two falls: the
American Falls and the Horseshoe Falls. The base of the American
Falls is jagged with rocks. The Horseshoe Falls tumble into a churning,
deep pool. Never one to take the easy route, I roll myself off the
American Falls, travel the 180 feet downward, bounce twice, and jump out
the applause of Canadians shouting in French: Fa! Fa! Fa!
No visit is complete without cheap crap to take home and give your relatives.
The Official Maid of the Mist Gift Store offers shellacked plaques fitted
with garish thermometers, photographs, logos, and sentiments such as: "At
this beautiful place, my thoughts went back to you. That's why I
bought this picture, so you can see it too." Mobile home owners
may relax knowing gift stores across the nation offer a fine selection
of interior decor items.
 I
drove through the city of Niagara Falls on the way back to the hotel.
DuPont and Occidental Chemical Company hold the last bits of functional
prosperity. A freshly painted sign points to the downtown business
district and is framed by a larger sign offering an auction of land for
back taxes.
Tonight we may wander forth and see what Buffalo looks like on a Thursday
evening. Tomorrow
is the last and longest driving day of Road Trip 2004...and it ends with
the Element arriving at the Big
Blue House.
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Niagara Falls, New York
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Pink Panther
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Niagara Falls
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Maid of the Mist
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Sister Betty goes over Niagara Falls
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Niagara Falls Diving Platform
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Condoms with legs
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Mobile home decoration
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Niagara Falls, New York
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