November 2004 - (Link
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I just arrived in Washington/Dulles airport. The restroom is
full and I am forced to use a stall to urinate. I hate public toilet
stalls. I have a complicated plan to avoid ever sitting down in a
public restroom. This plan begins before I leave the house and if
I suspect I will have to sit in a public accommodation before reaching
my destination, the plan calls for canceling the journey. Public
toilets are proof that female genitalia are punishment for sins in a previous
The restroom echoes with a blast of shit from the next stall; the shock
wave followed quickly by the smell of internal decay. Simultaneously,
a mobile telephone rings in the same stall. Two rings, several farts,
and a voice from within the metal cubicle: "Hello? Oh, me?
I'm in a taxi on my way back from the airport."
I bring Local Boy cheeky gifts from airports when I travel. Roses
are impersonal; tacky luggage tags show true affection. I wander
into AMERICA!, a store offering an impressive array of red, white and blue
schlock. The speakers embedded in the drop down ceiling blare a church
choir: "He is LORD, the LORD is marching on!" A jack-in-the-box toy
features a tiny George Bush behind the White House Press room podium.
None of the women behind the cash register speak English.
I locate a quiet corner to eat my Big Mac Fly Away Meal. I am
unable to discern how the Fly Away Meal differs from the other Value Menu
meals. An airline pilot waiting for his plane is pitching a pyramid
marketing company to someone:
"Yes, if you work hard enough, you could reach Emerald or even
Platinum levels within a year! You Donna and Bob? They
started out with one Platinum business and now they have FOUR!
You are on the King Team! Hey, that seminar you are going
to tonight? Judy and Phil are double-Diamond speakers.
What is your dream? Do you know what your dream is? Judy and
Phil did. And now they are living their dream! Take
a tape recorder tonight because you are going to be big!"